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Funnies Archive
Top ten things you will never hear Church goers say.
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 35 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Latex Tour
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Helping Hand
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Why do women love
cats?
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they
like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and
sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
The Catholic Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2.Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of
the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since
most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognise besides
Ozo and baklava.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by MBF.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when
to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating.
None of that
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into
his room.
She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks
about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm
Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
‘Tis Blarney
A group was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group
was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable, the food is
terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold, the accommodation’s awful. The group
arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so
no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I
suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am,"
the guide said with a grin, "but I have sat on it."
Aussie’s in London
Bruce and his mate come to London for the first time and go for a
tour on a double decker bus. There are only 2 seats left on the bus and 1 seat
in the top of the bus and 1 seat on the bottom so they decided to take turns
riding in the top. Bruce went first.
A couple of hours later it's was bill’s turn so he walks up the stairs, and
sees Bruce sitting there scared half to death. He's clutching the seat in front
of him so hard that his knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" Bill
asks. "We're havin' a great old time down below."
Bruce replies, "That’s alright for you …… you've got a driver."
Honest
Definitions
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like
in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that
she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have
difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man
as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two
people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who gets to do it more often than he
does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy
people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
POTENTIAL SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and
"panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the
second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first
time.
I Don’t rightly know!
An Irish father and son went fishing one day. After a
couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around
him.
He asked his father, "Da, how does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know,
son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "Da,
how do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Well I don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Da, why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know that, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Da, do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
anything!"
Elevator/Lift fun
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. how’s your day been?"
5) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream,
"That’s mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they
have an appointment.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits
with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "it’s okay. Don't
panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don?t exist.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up,
all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got
enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"you’re one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I
have new socks on."
Some
things are better left unasked...
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to
Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." … "Well, all
right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three, hmmm, well when were they?" as
his face turned red, but realising he had pressured her...
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then
one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and
then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when
was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."
Armless Man
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off,
when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all
around on the river bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after
all," and climbed down from the railing.
He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little man for saving his
life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I
changed my mind."
"I am not dancing, you idiot," the armless man replied bitterly still
jumping around. "My backside itches, and I can't scratch it."
What men really mean :-
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical,"
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety,"
"I do help around the house."
Really means....:"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket,"
"I can't find it."
Really means....:"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless....(actually, this is also true of any offspring living in
your home!)
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....:"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will
ever see us alive again,"
"We share the housework."
Really means....:"I make the messes, you clean them up,"
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."
Bike Gang
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.
Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to
the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me
of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah!, there was the time when I was
drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and
sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this girl.
Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked
straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the
KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain
off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around
and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're
all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Ask a silly question …….
A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the
door was opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your Mother
home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked,
"What do you think?"
Canny wisdom!
One day, an accountant walks into a dentist's office and asks how
much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can
knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
What’s in a word?
Wish you could compose prose that would convince the reader you
are knowledgeable (even if the subject is completely foreign to you)? Simply
employ the "Buzzword" writing method. It is simple. There are three
columns of words involved, as follows:
0. balanced 0.
management 0.
contingency
1.
total
1.
organisation
1. hardware (or software)
2. integrated 2.
reciprocal
2. projection
3. compatible 3. monitored
3. time-frame
4. synchronised 4. digital
4. concept
5.
optimal
5.
modular
5. programming
6. responsive 6.
transitional
6. mobility
7. functional 7.
incremental
7. capability
8. parallel
8. third-generation 8. flexibility
9. systemised 9.
policy
9. options
Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords from
the above grid, e.g., 257: "integrated modular capability." Don't
worry if it doesn't make sense to you; it won't mean anything to anyone else
either, but they'll think you're just smarter than they are so they won't say
anything!! You can propose "systemised reciprocal options" (929) to
achieve "optimal transitional flexibility" (568), and your boss will
probably promote you!!
Perfect Marriage
Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men
she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother
cooked.
You
know you worked in the 90's if.....
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different
companies.
Your company welcome sign was attached with velcro.
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
You got really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learnt about your layoff on the 7 o'clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was that you lost your best jokes.
Tongue
twisters
Shaun, with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in
his seat. He notices immediately that the fellow next to him has a black eye,
too. He says to him, "What a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if
I ask how you got yours?" The other traveller says, "Well, it just
happened. It was a tongue twister accident. You see, I was at the ticket counter
and this gorgeous blond who was very well endowed sold me a ticket. So, instead
of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like a
picket to Tittsburgh.'" So she gave me one in the eye." “What
happened to you?”
The first fellow replied, "Mine was sort of a tongue twister too. I was at
the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pass me the packet
of Frosties.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you selfish,
self-centered bitch.'"
Ambition
A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies. To this his
friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
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